Great Quotes

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"All generalizations are false."

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."

"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

"Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."

"Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons."

"Born Free. . . . Taxed to Death"

"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"

"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"

"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Conserve toilet paper, use both sides."

"REHAB is for quitters"

"I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

"All men are Idiots, and I married their King!"

"E. coli Happens"

"Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"

"If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport."

"Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !! "

"I KNOW JACK SHIT!"

"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

"Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."

"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."

"I Brake For No Apparent Reason."

"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."

"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

"Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.! "

"Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."

"Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."

"I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!"

"Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."

"Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"

"Few women admit their age, Few men act it! "

"I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!"

"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"

"Assassins do it from behind!"

"Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!"

"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"

"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. "

"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

"Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them."

"Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."

"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."

"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."

“Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

"i souport publik edekasion"

"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."

"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'.. till you can find a rock."

Amazing Longevity

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'"

"Twenty-six!" he said.

What's in a name?

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Just Like A Newborn Baby

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really? Like a new born baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

Hard of Hearing

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Aspiring Vet

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"

Tech Support Jokes

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'

Customer: 'OK.'

Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No.'

Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No.'

Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'

Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'

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Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'

Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'

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I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

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Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."

Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."

Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't Believe it was meant to-"

Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."

Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a filing cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"

Customer: [click]

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Customer: "My computer crashed!"

Tech Support: "It crashed?"

Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."

Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."

Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."

Tech Support: "Huh?"

Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my Spaceship and now it doesn't work."

Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"

Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

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I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve.

She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow.

I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"